What’s good for you may not be good for others.
In my job I am constantly coming across clients who are feeling the way they are because they are people pleasers and try to please others rather than themselves. They may be people pleasers but the forget that they are people too. When you try to please others rather than yourself, you are doing what pleases them and not what pleases you.
Remember If someone criticizes what you are doing. It may not mean you are doing it wrong or you are doing the wrong thing. What they are really saying is it’s not good for them.
So.
Are you a people Pleaser?
People pleasers tend to do anything possible to avoid conflict, even if it means turning into an entirely different person. Your worth depends on how others see you. People pleasers need validation from others to feel good about themselves. They can go to extremes to earn words of praise from others.
For many, the eagerness to please stems from self-worth issues, while others have a history of maltreatment.
Many people-pleasers confuse people-pleasing with kindness, thinking they "don't want to be selfish" and "want to be a good person."
One sign of being a people-pleaser is frequently apologizing.
Over the years, I’ve seen countless people-pleasers in my therapy practise. But more often than not, people-pleasing wasn’t really their problem; their desire to make others happy was merely a symptom of a deeper issue.
For many, the eagerness to please stems from self-worth issues. They hope that saying yes to everything asked of them will help them feel accepted and liked. Other people-pleasers have a history of maltreatment, and somewhere along the way, they decided that their best hope for better treatment was to try to please the people who mistreated them. Over time, for them, people-pleasing became a way of life.
Many people-pleasers confuse pleasing people with kindness. When discussing their reluctance to turn down someone’s request for a favour, they say things like, “I don’t want to be selfish,” or “I just want to be a good person.” Consequently, they allow others to take advantage of them.
People-pleasing can be a serious problem, and it’s a hard habit to break. Here are 10 signs that you may be trying too hard to please everyone:
1. You pretend to agree with everyone.
Listening politely to other people’s opinions — even when you disagree — is a good social skill. But pretending to agree just because you want to be liked can cause you to engage in behaviour that goes against your values.
2. You feel responsible for how other people feel.
It’s healthy to recognize how your behaviour influences others. But thinking you have the power to make someone happy is a problem. It’s up to each individual to be in charge of their own emotions.
3. You apologize often.
Whether you excessively blame yourself, or fear other people are always blaming you, frequent apologies can be a sign of a bigger problem. You don’t have to be sorry for being you.
4. You feel burdened by the things you have to do.
You’re in charge of how you spend your time. But if you are a people-pleaser, there’s a good chance your schedule is filled with activities that you think other people want you to do.
5. You can’t say no.
Whether you say yes and then actually follow through, or you later fake an illness to get out your commitments, you’ll never reach your goals if you can’t speak up for yourself.
6. You feel uncomfortable if someone is angry at you.
Just because someone is mad doesn’t necessarily mean you did anything wrong. But if you can’t stand the thought of someone being displeased with you, you’ll be more likely to compromise your values.
7. You act like the people around you.
It’s normal for other people to bring out different sides of your personality. But people-pleasers often sabotage their goals. Studies show that people-pleasers engage in self-destructive behaviour if they think it will help others feel more comfortable in social situations. For example, people-pleasers eat more when they think it will make other people happy.
8. You need praise to feel good.
While praise and kind words can make anyone feel good, people pleasers depend on validation. If your self-worth rests entirely on what others think about you, you’ll only feel good when others shower you with compliments.
9. You go to great lengths to avoid conflict.
It’s one thing not to want to start conflict. But avoiding conflict at all costs means that you’ll struggle to stand up for the things — and the people — you really believe in.
10. You don’t admit when your feelings are hurt.
You can’t form authentic relationships with people unless you’re willing to speak up sometimes and say that your feelings are hurt. Denying that you’re angry, sad, embarrassed, or disappointed — even when you’re emotionally wounded — keeps a relationship superficial.
Do you want to Break Free From People-Pleasing
While it's important to impress your boss and show that you can be agreeable, being subservient could backfire. You'll never reach your greatest potential if you're trying to be all things to all people.
Start getting out of the people-pleasing habit by saying no to something small. Express your opinion about something simple. Or take a stand for something you believe in. Each step you take will help you gain more confidence in your ability to be yourself.
If you’re really struggling to let go of these habits, seek help. A therapists like myself can help you build the mental strength you need to create the kind of life you want to live.
So let’s find out if you are a People Pleaser.
The People Pleaser Quiz.
Remember, be honest with yourself.
1) Whenever I sense that someone disagrees with my point of view, I tend to soften my position. A. Always
B. Often
C. Occasionally
D. Rarely
E. Never
2) I am an image conscious person.
A. Extremely
B. Very much so
C. Moderately
D. Somewhat
E Not at all
3) I find it hard to set boundaries with some people.
A. Always
B. Often
C. Occasionally
D. Rarely
E. Never
4) I intentionally compliment people to appear more likeable.
A. Always
B. Often
C. Occasionally
D. Rarely
E. Never
5) I prioritize everyone else’s needs no matter how it affects me.
A. Always
B. Often
C. Occasionally
D. Rarely
E. Never
6) I work overtime to please my boss and/or colleagues.
A. Always
B. Often
C. Occasionally
D. Rarely
E. Never
7) Being in a relationship is important to me. I feel incomplete without a relationship.
A. Very important
B. Important
C. Moderately important
D. Of little importance
E. Unimportant
8) Conflicts make me anxious. I avoid confrontation.
A. Always
B. Often
C. Occasionally
D. Rarely
E. Never
9) I am treated like a doormat.
A. Always
B. Often
C. Occasionally
D. Rarely
E. Never
10) I compare myself to others.
A. Always
B. Often
C. Occasionally
D. Rarely
E. Never
11) I put more importance on other people’s feelings than on my own.
A. Always
B. Often
C. Occasionally
D. Rarely
E. Never
12) Whenever my friends complain about something, I tend to express my agreement with their point of view even if I secretly think they are wrong.
A. Always
B. Often
C. Occasionally
D. Rarely
E. Never
13) I forgive those who hurt me out of fear of losing relationships, even when it still hurts inside.
A. Always
B. Often
C. Occasionally
D. Rarely
E. Never
14) I only attempt to do things I know I can succeed at.A. Always
B. Often
C. Occasionally
D. Rarely
E. Never
15) I give more than I take.
A. Always
B. Often
C. Occasionally
D. Rarely
E. Never
16) I am often stuck doing things I don’t want to do simply because I can’t say “No”.
A. Always
B. Often
C. Occasionally
D. Rarely
E. Never
17) I resent others for not reciprocating.
A. Always
B. Often
C. Occasionally
D. Rarely
E. Never
18) I imitate other people’s behavioural and clothing styles.
A. Always
B. Often
C. Occasionally
D. Rarely
E. Never
19) I don’t complain about a bad service or product.
A. Always
B. Often
C. Occasionally
D. Rarely
E. Never
20) I apologize when I don’t have to.
A. Always
B. Often
C. Occasionally
D. Rarely
E. Never
5 points for 1st answer, 4 points for 2nd answer, 3 points for 3rd answer, 2 points for 4th answer, 1 point for 5th answer. Now add them up and check your results below.
GET RESULTS
70-100 You are excessively dependent on other people’s opinion about you. If someone mistreats you or looks down on you, you automatically blame yourself. You tend to get caught up in this unproductive cycle and may feel worn out, depressed and anxious. As it was mentioned above, there are a lot of problems with this approach. Your chronic people pleasing doesn’t get you the results you want because
you either end up getting used by lazy and/or manipulative people,
or you cannot connect with other (healthy) people because they don’t feel like they know the real you.
You may find useful. Hypnotherapy is a good way to challenge your thinking patterns in order to change the way you feel and act.
40-69 While you are not a chronic people pleaser, you do sacrifice a lot. You may be very assertive with some people in your life while being treated like a doormat by some others. It is very likely that you find it difficult to assert yourself with some of the most important people in your life — your spouse, your children or some family members. You are draining out of energy and feel very resentful.
20-39 You must be a warm and considerate person without being needy or desperate. You believe that to be able to take care of others, your own needs should be met first. There are times when you give more than you take and there are times when you withhold your opinions for the sake of diplomacy. Overall, however, you are your own best friend, and you attend to others as time and energy permit.
Less than 20 You are an independent thinker with a healthy sense of your own worth. You handle criticism effectively either by treating it as useful feedback or by simply dismissing it when irrelevant. This helps you achieve your goals and treat your failures as learning experiences. You aren’t particularly concerned about being diplomatic and some people may resent you for not being sensitive or considerate enough.
If you are happy being you, that’s brilliant. However if being a people pleaser is causing issues for you, do something about it now. Don’t let it become deep-rooted.
Myself and many of my colleagues offer a free consultation or discovery call. When you are ready to turn your life around. Reach out. Help is out there.
Until next month Have a wonderful April and remember. YOU ARE NO FOOL!
All the best
Jon